i know its really been a long time since i've posted. really long time. actually, i really have many things to say just that i cant pen them down. i've been keeping them all to myself. and really, life isn't the same without my everyday posting. so im gonna start again, and this time i doubt anybody still visits this blog, since they think its dead. that's why im starting again. i dont like people looking at my personal life anymore. i've had enough of it. first of all the many things i'd like to say, im obsessed. that's right. obsessed. obsessed with ant and dec. they're really so awesome together. an incredible duo. they're so close to each other, so humorous and successful. they're really so good at presenting cause they just have so much charm. i still can barely get over the fact they came to singapore once when they were singers. this is my deepest darkest secret, i wanna migrate to U.K. just to see them. even better, work with them! i know its crazy.
but what can you do when all you do is obsess over someone so great. nobody knows how i feel. and i know althought dorcas and i are getting closer, there's just that something we cant cross over and overcome. we really have become closer but not as close. and worse of all, i dont know what's that something. and right now i dont wanna talk about it, i just feel like obsessing, so if you'll excuse me, bye bye. im off the obsess.

muahahaha.in school right now. having hell of my ****ing time. scolding expletives in both english, chinese and hokkien. sigh. another day of school. UNTIL 12.30!! HATE SCHOOL.,missing the old holidays. dorcas and i play like crazy. laugh like crazy. next morning get fever. then cry. sigh. nothin much to blog. at least for today. ooh ya. forgot. i borrowed the sims from dorcas. the sims hot date. trying to work it in my comp later. and im gonna do 2 more maple PQs. and then go tuition. sighs. not very happy now. being 'kajioaed' like crazy. and whoots. fidelise, germaine and geraldine dont know doing what right now. whoooooooooooooooo. then dont know who's brother wooing dora. whoooooooo. now MY PRIVACY IS BEING INVADED!!! so bye!!!!

bad day

had a really bad day. lost my wallet in church. groaned and moaned. got headache. mum screamed at me. say she's embarrassed to take me out to eat. althought i dont know the link. but anyway, she embarrassed then embarrassed la. next time dont take me out to eat la. i starve lo. nobody cares. the whole world against me. sigh.nothin much to say. back into depression. really nothing much i wanna say althought there's loads in my mind,

SOME MORE CRAP-

i miss you.
and there’s so much pain in my heart.
i can’t lose you, and yet….
i’m afraid to keep you by my side.
would i be selfish to say thati need you
?would it be laughable to say that
i would lose my will without you?

i know what i want,
and yet i don’t think i can have it.
i don’t think i deserve you.

got this from a blog. my bro's blog. but can't tell you the address.anyway, i think this somehow is me. i changed the names. from man to girl. daryl lim to cheryl lim. yeah. that's it. and this stuff is somehow like me. made some amendments.


God, I feel angry now.
Really angry.Just stop it, Cheryl Lim.Yeah, I’m telling you.STOP IT.In case you didn’t hear it.Stop wallowing in your own misery and self-pity.You’re not the only person in the world who’sbeen hurt.You’re not going to be the last.Nothing is unsexier than a girl who thinks the world will stop turning without him.Nobody did anything to hurt you intentionally.So stop playing your guilty card.If you are a girl, play like a girl.Stop hiding behind this facade of"You hurt me. You did this to me."Girl up, alright?You’ve been playing this hide and seek game too long.LET IT GO.

Grr.If you’re sad about this, cry.And then get on with life.If you’re angry, stomp around for a while.And get on with life.If you don’t care, good luck to you.And don’t even think about using this against me.To yell at me, and make me feel guilty somehow.Because that will just be an example of your cowardice.Yes, cowardice.

.I had to shake myself and wake myself.It pisses me off to see me feeling sorry for myself.What the hell have I got to be sorry for?YoStop thinking people are out to get you.And you would be able to deal with pain a lot better. GIRL UP, CHERYL LIM!! You're CHERYL LIM!! ALMIGHTY!! NOT ROTTING AWAY WITH DEPRESSION!!

few days.

past few days was fine. but thursday was freakin good. went to jurong east swimming pool with dorcas. the 7th time we went since we were young. first, we went to rent our floats, then jumped into the lazy river. and the tunnels. then after 1/2 hour, we went to the wave pool. the big currents started as A LOT of water sprayed out. it lasted for another 1/2 hour. then went to take the slides. from the highest one, the green colour one. that one wasn't very scary, it didn't go down very fast. the pink one was nice and slow. and the lowest one, the yellow one, was super straight and fast. super nice. then went to the lazy river again. then wave pool. then slides. then wave pool. then lazy river. then slides. then bubble jet station. then the jaquzzi. we went from 4.30pm to 8.15pm. whoohoo!!
friday nothin much, watch shrek 2,the dvd. do work. do work. play.play. same routine. today, had a wedding buffet lunch. on the way back home, had a terrible travel sickness. then i cried myself to sleep at home. terrible terrible headache. no poems in my mind recently. nothin much on my mind recently. plain simplicity. and depression. and lethargy. and giddiness. thats about all for today. oh yah, forgot. i cut my hair. its shorter now. sighs.

used to be on an endless run.
Believe in miracles 'cause I'm one.
I have been blessed with the power to survive.
After all these years I'm still alive.
I'm out here kickin' with a twirl.
I am no longer a solitary girl.
Every day my time runs out.
Lived like a fool, that's what I was about,
ohI believe in miracles.
I believe in a better world for me and you

Tattooed your name on my arm.
I always said my he's a good luck charm.
If he can find a reason to forgive
Then I can find a reason to live.

depression

still in the mood of depression. no mood to talk. no mood to do anything much. dont feel like playing. just hogging the comp. all day long. i need some iris right now. but apparantly, she didn't go online, or go to school. i seriously need some iris right now. im dead depressed. dont know why. and today liang liang and dawn just said that blue house cheerleading sucked. took neoprint with dorcas. it was ok.. keep looking at the neoprint. wondering when dorcas and i will ever be as what we were when we were young. i keep wondering. when i can turn back time. if i could, what would i do. i could say my life is better than loads of people, but it still sucks. i keep wishing times will never change and that life will always be the same. but no. it had to change. to what i am right now. a hogger. a piece of rubbish. where is iris when i need her. but oh well, guess she's upset with her own things. sigh. going to jurong east swimming pool with dorcas on thursday. looking forward to it. i wonder why am i so depressed. but i just cant find an answer.

walking down this dark alley,
i'm what i used to be.
that girl,
so lonely, so in hope for love.
wanting everything she lost.
but she could never fight.

how would she succeed,
in doing the things she long for.
she didn't have love nor fun,
all she had was,
the seasons in the sun.

and now she's turned in,
to the pressure and fears,
of becoming what she didn't want to become,
a monster.
a plain word, monster.

lyrics for I Will Always Love You and I Surrender by Whitney Houston and Celine Dion-respectively

If I should stay
I would only be in your way
So I'll go, but I know
I'll think of you every step of the way

Chorus:I will always love you
I will always love you

Bitter sweet memories
That is all I'm taking with me
So goodbye, please don't cry
We both know I'm not what you need

Chorus

I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you dreamed of
And I wish you joy and happiness
But above all this I wish you love
Chorus

I SURRENDER
There's so much life
I've left to live
And this fire's burning still
When I watch you look at me
I think I could find the will
To stand for every dream
And forsake this solid ground
And give up this fear within
Of what would happen if they never knew
I'm in love with you
'Cause I'd surrender everything
To feel the chance,
to live again
I reach to you
I know you can feel it too
We'd make it through
A thousand dreams I still believe
I'd make you give them all to me
I'd hold you in my arms and never let go
I surrender
I know
I can't survive another night away from you
You're the reason I go on
And now I need to live the truth
Right now, there's no better time
From this fear, I will break free
And I'll live again with love
And know they can't take that away from me
And they will see... yeah
(I'd surrender everything)
To feel the chance, to live again
I reach to you
I know you can feel it too
We'd make it through
A thousand dreams I still believe
I'll make you give them all to me
I'll hold you in my arms and never let go
I surrender
Every night gets longer
And this voice's getting stronger baby
I'll swallow my pride
And I'll be alive
Can't you hear my call?I surrender all...
(I'll surrender everything)
(To feel the chance, to live again)
I reach to you
I know you can feel it too
We'll make it through
A thousand dreams I still believe
I'll make you give them all to me
I'll hold you in my arms and never let go
I surrender
Right here, right now
I'd give my life to live again
I'll break free
Take me, my everything
I surrender all to you
(Right now)Right now
(I'd give my life to live again)I'd give my life
(I'll break free, Take me)
Take me, take me(my everything)My everything
(I surrender all to you, right now)
Right now(I'd give my life to live again)
I'd give my life to you baby
I'll break free, yeah free

back into depression

im back into depression. as im reminiscin bout the old days. pri.1, everything was freakin innocent and happy. no complicated school politics and stuff. no nothing but playing. in pri.1, when we're happy, we're truly happy, when we cry, we're crying over small things. innocence. how sweet the innocence had been. as i grow up, cant believe what i used to be, the naughty girl making all the maids cry. my bro when he was pri.6, put his used underwear over the maid's head and stuff. it just makes me cry thinkin about the happy past i used to have. truly, being in an IJ school, really quite different. its bitchy, but after all, it isn't that bad. cause IJ friends are really friends for life. i felt the warmth yesterday. my betrayer consoled me. the 4 house captains together, backstage, talking to each other about olympic day. its great. here's the lyrics for IJ dream. i partly forgot some of them.

IJ spirit burning bright,

fill our heart with love and light.

Light that shines for all to see,

love that sets our spirits free.

IJ friendships through the years,

born of simple joys and tears.

Something tells us deep inside,

IJ friends are friends for life.

Hold on to our dream,

of peace dont stop believing,

our heart and hands,

ever seeking ever serving,

Hold on to the sound,

of our friend all joyously singing.

......

then dont know le...but seriously. i looove that song. memories.. sweet sweeet memories.

sports day

go blue!! this year's olympic day was so-so... i loooved it but im really really disappointed. blue group got last!! cheerleading got 3rd!! only captain's ball p6 blue got first. the rest all ****ing bad. sigh. really disappointed, i cried backstage. and once the blue group members saw we lost, they all started blaming me. and nobody cared about me during the game. nobody passed the ball to me. like im some idiot standing there. i hate it. i only like the march pass and house cheers. i screamed like mad. now reaaaaally no voice. can hardly speak. my throat is burning.
good thing is, we had a after olympic day celebration!! beatrix, cheryl houng ,siti and i was mini melts, kfc, mcdonalds, and took 3 neoprints!! altogether cost $50!! we spent $50!! that's the only thing that cheered me up. backstage, i cried so hard. and joyce pek was mean, she just laughed. at least iris and rama consoled me. i didn't expect to cry but after thinking how hard i tried, until i had no more voice, i get screamed at by the teacher because of cheerleading, the teacher even said i was not worthy to be a house captain, after how much effort and money i put in, after i tolerated how mr sze toh's biasness towards joyce, i still came in last for house competition.
i seriously feel like the worst house captain ever. shamini saw me and was like.. not very happy. mariel and the other last year's p6 blue house all ignored me. sarah leong said our cheerleading sucks. i feel nothing but sucky.

first post

its my first post isn't it.. or is it? forgot. anyway, today, people keep putting me down. first, mrs wong. i forgot what she said, but this ,"Beatrice is a leader, she is responsible!! YOU ARE NOT A LEADER!!" she keeps saying that, whatever im a great disappointment. and then the cheerleading group. maybe im sensitive. they didn't say it in an offensive manner but they said "you don't know how to do any stunts, you should'nt be house captain. I should!!" is dam hurting. life hasn't gone so well for me recently. mr sze toh!! he keeps saying i wrote the F word on the window!! I said i didn't!! he said dont waste my time, there's a camera here i can check. i said i really didn't!! he stared at me. whenever something goes wrong, he stares at me!! WHY?? am i the cunning one? am i the worse one? why me and not all of us?!?! why me!!

people keep saying i've gone to the bad side, i've changed. i know i have. but i just don't know how i have. i know i've really changed. its partly cause i feel dam lonely. really lonely. it's so dam hurting, im numb. i dont feel anything. i dont know what to feel. i can't feel. im numb. i hate this.